What I am Not

13 Things that you'll never hear me say:

1. "Actually, this skirt is swimming on me. Do you have it in a size 0?"

2. "Ah, 5:30 in G-d's holy morning! Bless you, my precious progeny, for waking me thusly (by sitting on my face clad in nothing but a soggy morning diaper)so that I can start off my day nice and early!"

3. "Oh, yes, I can eat as much ice cream as I want. I never seem to put on an ounce."

4. "You are so right! Girls really are so much easier to raise than boys!"

5. "You can totally eat off of my floor. I just finished waxing it."

6. "Oh no, I never drink. I have no tolerance at all."

7. "Well, the bathub is scrubbed to a pearly sheen! I guess there's nothing else left to clean today."

8. "French tip, please."

9. "Steps are great! A free workout!"

10. "Why, I prefer my post-partem body. It means that I bore children, and besides, more of me to love."

11. "Superman? Lame-o. What am I, an 11 year-old boy?"

12. "Dr Google is not a real doctor! You can't trust him!"

13. "Wouldn't it be awesome if I got bitten up by mosquitoes from head to toe tonight?"