Finding myself in the Middle East



Tuesday, May 8, 2012

This was supposed to be Princess' Birthday Letter, but that will wait, now.

To my almost-niece, with the unknown name in the unmarked grave,

Your Ima wanted you so badly.

She wanted a girl, you know, and then she just wanted to get pregnant. Then you were both, and she was so happy. She's one of those perfect pregnancy people, she doesn't get nauseous and her little baby bump stays cute and pert until labor. This is annoying for people like me, but we were all just so happy for her we overlooked her unfair gorgeousness.

When they first realized something was wrong, the doctors thought it was Downs. Your Ima and Daddy took some time to think about that, about welcoming a child with Downs Syndrome into their home, and they decided that yes, they can do this. They can shower you with love and get your love in return.

When it was discovered to be much much worse than Downs, it was very hard.

And when they lost you before they even saw your face, (it would have been horribly, terribly deformed) held your little body (a twisted hunk of flesh) it was so, so hard.

Your Ima said that at least she knows that she can get pregnant again. Your Ima says that there was a reason for your almost-existence. Your Ima says that she was surrounded by people who love her, and it was the most  horrible experience, but also, somehow, beautiful.

Almost-niece, we all cried for you. We all loved you. I wonder why you were almost here. I wonder why you didn't stop to say hello before flying back up to your home in heaven.

And I wonder why we can't even know your name.

All my love,
Your almost-aunt

6 comments:

MusingMaidel said...

Brought tears to my eyes...

Mystery Woman said...

That must be a pretty special Ima to be able to say that and feel that through all that pain.

Cymbaline said...

I cannot even imagine going through somethng like that - at least mom has a strong support system - including you.

colloquiallyspeaking said...

i have so much to say and so will remain...silent.

postpunkchronicles said...

May Hashem bless her in her pain and help her to see the beauty in it somehow.

JerusalemStoned said...

My sister is amazing and beautiful and strong. And she is doing very well, thank G-d.

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