Finding myself in the Middle East



Monday, June 4, 2012

Cast off the Shackles! Or, please Pay by the first of the Month

"Princess, put down that marker this instant, and go to the bath! Before it gets cold!"

"No! I can't! I need to finish this picture first!"

And of course I get annoyed, and of course I mumble between gritted teeth what are we going to do with a girl who doesn't know how to listen to her Ima and of course I take the marker out of her hand and march her straight to the bath.

But a teeny tiny part of me is glad to hear her loud, firm, chutzpadik NO. 


Because.

Once upon a time, long long ago, there was a girl.

Yeah, whatever, she was me, you get that.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by myself, I was saying that there was a girl. And she could not say no.

This was bad, because there are people who, like the dogs they are, smell weakness. They smell prey.

This blog has a number of posts that never made it past draft stage. Most of them are about that time in this girl's life. Because I share all sorts of things with you, O Internet, but there are all sorts of things that I never will.

There are some places in your mind that you can never go into again. And not because you  are not healed; you are. But because you are not that person anymore, and the box no longer fits.

Of course it no longer fits.  Now this girl is a grown-up! She is ME, as I so cunningly lifted the curtain and revealed to you! And she can now stand up for herself!

Except that it still gives me a stomachache. It's like I reevaluate my worth every time I need to take a stand. Am I worth bothering this person? If I send the e-mail demanding explanation, she will have to take the time to explain. Am I worth that time?


Of course, I am worth that time. Of course. I know that. 


Completely not mysteriously at all, this theme keeps coming up again and again in my life.

And I take my sword and have at thee.

Because I am all grown up. Now it's time to take care of myself. Now is the time to say no.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, although I read your blog sometimes. I just wanted to say that it was brave of you to write what you did.

JerusalemStoned said...

I don't know about the brave...but thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

Goodness, that sounds just like me.
I know it's terrible, but I also feel a little glad when I see my daughter being assertive, even agressive. Just because I was (and am) such a doormat.
I still haven't learned how to say no though.
What is the trick?

Princess Lea said...

Meet the master avoider of confrontation. Me, demand an explanation? Heck no. "Oh. OK. If you say so."

And it's not like I don't know someone shouldn't be treated like this. But I just don't like arguments and uncomfortable moments. I like things light and airy and cheerful.

Cymbaline said...

No isn't always an evil word. Sometimes a little chutzpa goes a long way (just not too much, right?)

Sporadic Intelligence said...

Passive Aggressive - my favorite oxymoron :)

JerusalemStoned said...

Princess-I find that sometimes "light and cheery" comes with a big price...

Cymbaline-yeah, she's awesome, and I'm sure we'll be tight when she's older. Let's just hope I make it until then without a nervous breakdown. :)

Sporatic--NOT EVEN!! Well, not totally. I also aggressived!

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