Finding myself in the Middle East

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Dearest Chava,

As the mother of all the people on the whole entire planet Earth, I guess I owe you reverence, respect, awe,etc. And I do have total respect, awe, etc etc etc, and the whole apple thing I know from various mefarshim was A. done with pure intentions B. not even an apple C. beyond my feeble comprehension as someone who has never spoken with snakes (well, I have,but they never answered back, so it was less like Chava and more like "oh, a weird creepy girl who talks to animals.")

(actually, okay, so the snake story: it belonged to Outdoorsman who raised it since it was a tiny worm-sized baby and it absolutely hated me. For reals. I held it once--only once--and it twirled around my body with lightening speed and Outdoorsman's eyes widened in the kind of alarm that also doesn't want to make me freak out over the snake's weird behavior but totally freaks me out on account of how carefully he didn't want me to freak out--and what I said to the snake was along the lines of, "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me.")

(It didn't.)

(But it totally wanted to.)

(now, I am continuing the sentence from before the first parenthesis. Following? Excellent! Because one of us should be, and I am definitely not.)

so I am totally not speaking from a place of judging when I say: did you think it through? The whole consequence-to-eating-the-fruit-and-blaming-your-husband thing? Because with respect, they say a woman's body is meant to do this. And hey, I've done this three times before. But every single time, I'm like, what is that what is happening is the baby okay OMG am I dying?

And then it ends up being on this week's pregnancy update because I am so textbook, I am boring.

But seriously, Chava, you had one-day pregnancies after which your children sprung out as fully functional adults. So that's not just the nine months of vomity-goodness that you got yourself and ALL OF US WOMEN FOR THE REST OF HISTORY into--it's child-rearing itself that you signed us up for. We could have had grown children, but Noooooo. My almost eight year-old still spills her cereal every morning, my five year-old woke up literally five times last night with requests in varying degrees of urgency (ranging from Iiima to IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiimaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!) and my two year-old pooped through his diaper and all over any expanse of skin that I was currently sporting. Right after I changed him. He likes a clean canvass.

So my question to you is, Mother of us All:

Did you think this through?

Really really really?


Alright, if you twist my arm, I'm actually okay with it. I would maybe be sad to miss out on the growing-upness and their delicious moments, like when Princess said she wouldn't choose a different Ima, and Coco-pop asked with wonder if the ice grows wings and flies out of the pitcher of water, because where else did they go? And Turtle, I kid you not, has learned how to skip over the weekend, and he would be skipping a lot more if I didn't end each attempt by flying across the house and smooooshing him to the ground.

And the pregnancy thing; I guess I do need nine months to get used to the fact that a human being is going to emerge from my body and join my confederacy of weirdos. So that's okay, too. I guess.

Okay, but with all of my okay with it, I lost the point of this letter? Oh, whatever. Pregnant-Mommy brain. I am excused.

With deepest respects,

PS--who am I writing to again? I forget.


Gila Rose said...

Bshaa tova!!! Looking forward to your very amusing (at least for your readers) updates!!

SpordicIntelligence said...

Big B'shaah Tova! And ditto to Gila. You may be miserable at moments, but you sure know how to turn it into gold for your readers....or how bout a bracha for a most unblogworthy pregnancy, until of course the mazal tov ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow! This blog looks exactly like my old
one! It's on a totally different subject but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Outstanding choice of colors!

My weblog; airplane simulator game

JerusalemStoned said...

Thanks Gila and Sporatic! I hope to have an uneventful pregnancy,but if not, blog fodder it shall be.:)

Cymbaline said...

I agree, this blog looks exactly like airplane simulator game!!! You are such a rip-off artist!!

Oh and congrats!!

JerusalemStoned said...

You forgot about my outstanding choice of colors! Hey listen, I take what I can get. :)

Oh, and thanks!

Mystery Woman said...

B'shaah tova :).
I totally got the point of the letter, so it's okay if you lost it somewhere along the way.

Grace said...

It's OK. You can join my club of "totally NOT normal people". We have a lot more fun.

BTW, I'm FranticFrummie on Imamother. ;-)


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