How old will I be when it finally all clicks into place? When I don't want to be over THERE when I'm over HERE and THERE when HERE? Reading a book to my kids and wishing that I was sipping coffee in Barnes and Noble and looking over a promising stack of books (that you don't even have to buy! just the buck 'o nine on the coffee, and all the new books you could want. Hm. I think I just salivated all over the keyboard.) Putting the kids to bed and itching to get back to the half-sorted laundry. Getting back to the half-sorted laundry and longing for it to be over so that I could sign online and go on youtube--um, make that aish.com.
I want to be happy exactly where I am. I want to live in the present. I don't want to be urging my newborns into babies, babies into toddlers, toddlers into children, children into teenagers, teenagers into adults in my mind forever. I want to hug them and kiss them and play with them and make puppets with them and bake cookies with them and even clean up their spills and be patient with their tantrums and the thousandth call from bed and be there in heart mind body and soul.
It could just be the winter. The cold, rainy, dark winter that keeps me in my 76 square meters all. day. long. But it also could just be a matter of letting go. Of letting myself just BE 26 (until I turn 27, that is. Which is soon. Gulp.) and mom of two and babysitter in the morning and with x amount of dollars to spend. I will not be single with a PhD or a fabulously thin and famous broadway actress or 17 years old and dreaming in Barnes and Noble. I've always tended to escape into a different world in my head, which is why when growing up , if I was sent to the basement for a bag of plastics forks, I would come back with spoons. Or mayo. Or a chainsaw.
So--feathers and pom-poms and glue are coming out, kids! Puppets 101--here we come!After I finish my coffee.