Finding myself in the Middle East

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dip the Apple

"Thank G-d there's a fast tomorrow; I must have gained 5 pounds over Rosh Hashana" is probably not the best thought to pop into ones head right after havdala, is it?

No, I thought not, as well.

Ah, me. What will be? Why is it that when I sat down to think about my progress this year, the only thing that I could think of was the fact that I lost 20 pounds over the summer? (and of course the thought following that thought, lest I be too happy with myself, is that I still want to lose 10 more?)

I have so much to be thankful for. This time last year, Outdoorsman was in a black hole job that was sucking his creativity and self-respect, a job that had started out with so much promise and us doing the happy dance in the middle of the living room, and trickled down to betrayal and emptiness and the ugly cry in the middle of the kitchen. I was attempting to support my little family, and it mostly worked because we only had our electicity turned off twice, and I can make so many creative and delicious dishes out of nothing but hot water and pasta.

Now Outdoorsman is busy with a job that he loves,(and it makes money! and I like money! money buys sweet crunchy apples and rolls of fluffy toilet paper and stickers for charts and shampoo for hair! and you can pay bills with it! and basically exchange it for goods and services! or just roll around in it and laugh a loud, evil laugh!)and he still has time to learn, and he does so now with a clear head and a chavrusah that he enjoys, and I am free to fill my freezer with challa and zucchini bread and keep my baby home with me. Also, did I mention that I lost 20 pounds? (and did you know that all I wanted to lose was 20 pounds, and now that I lost 20 pounds, I want to lose 10 more? Do you know that being thin is not the road to happiness? I know, I still think it is, too. I'll keep you updated after I lose 10 more pounds.)

I can turn this post so easily into a rant about how ungrateful I am, and how I still have the same goals yearafteryearafteryear--and how sad that makes me, and how I feel like I have not grown at all in so long.

But, I will not. Because a wise person informs me (thank you, love) that I have changed, and even if I have not changed one iota, such thoughts are self-defeating do not come from a good place. And thoughts that come from the Dark will keep you in the Dark.

So I choose to think about the wonderful things. There are so many wonderful things. About me. Really!

20 minutes later--

Wow, this is harder than I thought. This is ridiculous, in fact. I will think. I will think long and hard. And the next post will be a list of all the things that I
totally rock at.

I'd rather be in the light. Ah gut bebenched yur.


Anonymous said...

Did you really lose 20 lbs this summer? Dare I ask how and what diet you were on? (I know that wasn't the point of this post, and I apologize, but I gotta know! Thats a lot of weight!)

Proud Tante said...

yeah, i also want to know!

JerusalemStoned said...

All right, all right, I hear you ladies loud and clear. It was actually a combination of two factors, one of which I had no control over, and one of which I shall share with you. The first one was that my dead metabalism suddently realized that I have given birth two years ago, and am no longer pregnant, and rose from the ashes. Yay! The second thing--weight watchers. The best diet ever invented, because it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle that you can really live with. It totally rocks!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm really impressed. Good for you - you probably look AMAZING!

On an unrelated note, I've been meaning to ask you this: I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time now - get my feelings out there, have a place to vent, etc. BUT. I'm too nervous that I'll be "found out" and one of my real-life friends will have access to my deepest feelings that I probably wouldn't have really shared with her. How do you deal with that? Would you mind if your friends checked your blog? Do you think my friends would even tell me if they figured me out?

Ok, I recognize that I'm being a tad dramatic, but in all seriousness ... help?

(Oh, and please don't let my phobias deter you from your writings! You are incredibly talented!)

JerusalemStoned said...

Write write write! Write like nobody is watching. Let your fingers dance and your mind open.

That was a response to your "tad dramatic" sentence. :)

But seriously--I also wrestled with it a bit. So i take some precautions--a good friend of mine would really have to stumble onto my blog to find it--but you know what? Life's too short to worry too much about what other people think. Think to yourself--what's the worst case scenerio, and can i live with it? If you can--write away.

And send me the link, of course!


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