"Thank G-d there's a fast tomorrow; I must have gained 5 pounds over Rosh Hashana" is probably not the best thought to pop into ones head right after havdala, is it?
No, I thought not, as well.
Ah, me. What will be? Why is it that when I sat down to think about my progress this year, the only thing that I could think of was the fact that I lost 20 pounds over the summer? (and of course the thought following that thought, lest I be too happy with myself, is that I still want to lose 10 more?)
I have so much to be thankful for. This time last year, Outdoorsman was in a black hole job that was sucking his creativity and self-respect, a job that had started out with so much promise and us doing the happy dance in the middle of the living room, and trickled down to betrayal and emptiness and the ugly cry in the middle of the kitchen. I was attempting to support my little family, and it mostly worked because we only had our electicity turned off twice, and I can make so many creative and delicious dishes out of nothing but hot water and pasta.
Now Outdoorsman is busy with a job that he loves,(and it makes money! and I like money! money buys sweet crunchy apples and rolls of fluffy toilet paper and stickers for charts and shampoo for hair! and you can pay bills with it! and basically exchange it for goods and services! or just roll around in it and laugh a loud, evil laugh!)and he still has time to learn, and he does so now with a clear head and a chavrusah that he enjoys, and I am free to fill my freezer with challa and zucchini bread and keep my baby home with me. Also, did I mention that I lost 20 pounds? (and did you know that all I wanted to lose was 20 pounds, and now that I lost 20 pounds, I want to lose 10 more? Do you know that being thin is not the road to happiness? I know, I still think it is, too. I'll keep you updated after I lose 10 more pounds.)
I can turn this post so easily into a rant about how ungrateful I am, and how I still have the same goals yearafteryearafteryear--and how sad that makes me, and how I feel like I have not grown at all in so long.
But, I will not. Because a wise person informs me (thank you, love) that I have changed, and even if I have not changed one iota, such thoughts are self-defeating do not come from a good place. And thoughts that come from the Dark will keep you in the Dark.
So I choose to think about the wonderful things. There are so many wonderful things. About me. Really!
20 minutes later--
Wow, this is harder than I thought. This is ridiculous, in fact. I will think. I will think long and hard. And the next post will be a list of all the things that I
totally rock at.
I'd rather be in the light. Ah gut bebenched yur.